Incomplete thought
So many of us are walking around, looking normal/lovely/rugged/put-together, when once upon a time, an unthinkable tragedy once threatened to slice us open. But we get up, cry in the shower, get dressed, care for others, do for others, write checks, hit the gym, walk the dog. We go on. The world spins madly on.
And still, the sun sets magnificently every day over this same city. Until one day, we’re one of the lucky ones paying attention. Maybe we realize then that we made it to the other side, healing but never really healed, whole but never again complete. But joy creeps in anyway. You get this sense that everything is humming on the same frequency and you are right where you need to be. And maybe this is enough. Maybe.
Last night I had a dream early in the night. I remember waking just enough to consider not going back to sleep because of it, but I did go back to sleep. It colored the rest of my dreams and I woke still remembering fragments of it. It was a kind of dream I haven’t had for three years now, and it bothered me. And then a few minutes after waking, there I was sobbing violently in bed, scaring my boyfriend who’s never seen me cry like that.
The overwhelming feeling was surprise—surprise that this sorrow was still with me, that it could spring up like this. I tried to greet it with wonder. I tried to hold it. I tried to figure out where inside of me I could put it so that it could be useful to me. I’d been storing it in my lower belly—in my hips—and that wasn’t the right place. Between the sobs, I decided: my feet. I’ll put this sorrow in the balls and heels of my feet. I’ll let it anchor me to the ground so I am more solid in my walking, so I am more grounded in my being.
None of this seems to have anything to do with what Toni posted. But I came downstairs meaning to write about it and got sidetracked by the shooting and my anxiety about that and my anxiousness about the day. Which is to say that I’ve been trying to write about this morning all day, and what Toni wrote unlocked it somehow and made it possible to write.
That is all.
